


Harry Potter and the Final Script

by Kitty_Shinju (Queen_Kit)



Series: Plunny Petting Zoo [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Characters talking to Author, Crack, Don’t copy to another site, Gen, Humor, Magical Girls, everyone hates harry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-08-04
Updated: 2008-08-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 00:01:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17991026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queen_Kit/pseuds/Kitty_Shinju
Summary: *a part of the Plunny Petting zoo from my FFN account.  I've broken these little idea bits up instead of making a bunch of unrelated chapters.Harry Copes with a Script in which Dumbledore has turned everyone against him, no one is subtle, everyone is really awful - but in crackfic way?Harry Potter talks back to the Author having HAD ENOUGH of all these Fic Shenanigans.





	Harry Potter and the Final Script

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any characters, places, etc included therein. Also, I wish I didn't own the Plunnie that spawned this. Please message if you want him and he'll arrive in the mail in 5-7 days. Hopefully I'll- I mean, the one who packs it… will remember to put the holes in the box this time. Lose so many Plunnies that way…
> 
> AN: Please be warned that this fic may cause extreme laughter or horror. The Author of this fic is not responsible for any accidents that occur during the reading of this fic. The Author is also not responsible for any residual twitching, random laughter, or accidents caused by thinking of the fic after it is read.
> 
> Thank you and have a nice day.

Harry entered the Headmaster's office wondering what could be going on that he needed to be called in right before he left Hogwarts to go to his personal Hell on Earth.

"Hello Headmaster. You wanted to see me?"

"Yes Harry I did. It has come to my attention that you haven't been as good a pawn/weapon as you should be. So I've come up with a Brilliant Plan."

"Umm… Sir, I have no idea-"

"Not now simple minded Harry Pawn. I'm talking."

"Yes sir."

"Now where was I?"

"Your plan sir."

"Ahh, yes. I have a Brilliant Plan, please note the capitals on that Harry Pawn they're very important."

"Yes sir."

"I'm going to convince the whole world you're insane and going to become the new Voldemort as soon as you kill him. I'll make sure you're convicted by using obviously faulty testimony, bribed witnesses, and improper trial procedures. I may also have to kill someone important to you, but disposable to me. Character assassination will be necessary of course. Then after you've been rotting with no friends in Azkaban for a few years I'll rescue you. I'll be your hero and you'll love me and listen to me when I tell you it was for the greater good and that everyone is really sorry for everything. And you'll be a good little dispensable pawn again."

"Headmaster that will never work! My friends would never turn against me!"

Just then a letter appeared in from of Harry written in Ron's untidy scrawl.

* * *

_Dear Harry,_

_Hey mate I just got this awesome offer from the Headmaster. All I have to do is follow all his orders, just like I've been doing ever since I met you. Seeing as he's already promised me and the smarter members of my family, meaning not the twins, half of all your money; now he's promised to make me Head Boy and let me have sex with Hermione whenever I want to._

_So I just wanted to let you know that I'll be spying on you and holding you back more than ever while also being emotionally distant while you're in a difficult period of your life. (That's what Dumbledore says, not sure I know what he's talking about.)_

_So hope we can still be best mates even though I'm a backstabbing, jealous traitor and have been from the very start._

_Ron_

* * *

Harry looked up from the letter. "Well you may have Ron, but Hermione must be my real friend!"

Just than another letter appeared.

* * *

_Dear Harry,_

_I just wanted to let you know that I'm getting sick of all your abused-ness and hidden smarts that Ron and I have been purposely been working to suppress. So I've taken the Headmaster up on another offer of spying on you. I've been doing it since the end of first year because I admire him; it's just going to be worse now. Oh, and I'm going to betray all those secrets we had between us to the whole wizarding world at your trial, hope you don't mind._

_Dumbledore said that I'll be getting all your books from your family libraries when you die and now he's going to make sure I'm Head Girl._

_Hermione._

_P.S. I've become strangely attracted to Ron, but that's ok. Oh, and by the way, I never liked you back. I just told you that so you would angst more before you went to Ginny._

* * *

"That's right! Ginny! I'm sure she loves me!"

* * *

_Heya Harry,_

_I'll be in your bed tonight trying to get pregnant with your heir again. I'm not using protection. Oh, and I don't love you, I just want the money I'll get for the kid. And I've been dosing you with a love potion so you'll wanna be with me so I can have your baby._

_By the way you're an awful kisser and I'm going to tell the whole world about how you were brought up abused like Voldemort even thought you don't want anyone to known._

_Hoping to have your Baby,_

_Ginny._

* * *

Albus looked at Harry. Hmmm… comatose wasn't a bad look for the boy. Then he put on a sad face and handed him to his friends and placed about sixty different charms on him that would make it impossible to escape the fate that Dumbledore had planned for him.

* * *

_**Later** _

* * *

The trial had gone just as Albus wanted and now Harry was in prison and everyone knew how he was all Loco and stuff and how he was abused and all emotionally weird. Now all he had to so was sit back and wait. Unfortunately for him a magical girl from the dimension Quadra Polymorphic didn't like Dumbledore and his plans and happily dimension hopped into Azkaban to be with the awfully messed up and yet cute savior of the wizarding world aka Harry Potter.

She helped him through all his time in prison by scaring all the mean and tacky Dementors away and removing the several dozen compulsion charms from Harry. By the time he was released he was in Luv with her and wanted her to have his babies. And to practice making babies with her a lot too.

So when Harry was released from prison they kicked all his old friends asses because Dumbledore's just senile, Hermione's ugly, Ron's stupid, and Ginny wasn't good enough for Harry. Then they kicked Voldemort's ass because he was all evil and stuff and so they couldn't let him live and keep being evil.

**/record screech is heard/**

"THAT'S IT I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!"

"Geez Harry what are you screaming for? You're supposed to be asking me why I betrayed you."

"Ron, you didn't betray me."

"Yes I did. Don't you want to know why?"

Harry sighs, "I know why Ron."

"You do?"

"Yes Ron. It's because it's in the script."

"Oh… So it is…"

"Harry James Potter! Are you trying to piss off the Author again?!" Shouted Hermione from where she was standing in her slut Hermione outfit made for this scene.

"Yes, yes I am. I'm figuring that if I start now I might have my life back sometime in the next twenty years."

"Harry, just finish this fic and then you can have your life back."

"NO! I'm not finishing it! It NEVER ENDS! I'm rescued by this original Mary Sue character who we all know is the author and we're supposed to have sex happily ever after for all of eternity! BECAUSE WE BOTH JUST HAPPEN TO BE IMMORTAL AND ALWAYS LOOK LIKE TEENAGERS! I'M NOT DOING IT!"

"Hmmm. You're right Harry. It says, 'and they fucked happily ever after for the rest of eternity.' at the end of the script for this story. Wow Harry that's just…" Ron breaks off loosing the last word he wanted to say for a moment.

"Weird?" supplies Harry.

"Vulgar?" suggests Hermione.

"No I was going to say kinky. Why does Harry get all the chicks that want to be in control?"

Harry and Hermione look at Ron in shock.

The end.

**Author's Note:**

> AN: Yeah… this fic has no middle because it was written specifically for the beginning and end parts. If anyone else wants to play with this train wreck just let me know. Yes this was written just to be awful; no I don't know why I did it. Ask the Plunnie I'm currently trying to kill. And yes it was written LUV on purpose.  
> -Shinju


End file.
